Update! RPG/Achievement-style

Instead of the usual long paragraph form or video dispatch, I figure I'd try something new.

Skill Stats:
Archivist: 4.5/36

In other words, I am halfway through one semester of 9 credit hours with 36 hours required to graduate. 9 credits to level up.)

Bicyclist: 5/20

I more or less try to practice bike safety, but have not quite yet mastered navigation of this city.

Knitter: 8/20

I am currently working on more complicated projects that require piecework and circular needles.

Attribute Stats:

Charisma: 5/20

I have a couple of social engagement this All Hallow's Eve weekend, so this may increase at some point. I have also developed a rapport with other classmates based on mutual kvetching. I have yet to develop the ability to talk to plants or communicate with the dead.

Intelligence: 10/20

While I am not as precocious as I used to be, I am developing mastery of bullshytt.

Health: -3/20

I do not bike as much as I ought to and have fallen back into bad eating habits. I have also not gotten my flu shot, either seasonal or H1N1) My sleep schedule is also peevish and erratic.

Strength: 5/20

My tactical bag carries a good deal of things at any given point in time. I either have to walk a mile to the T station and stand/sit (usually stand) for another 30 minutes to get to class or bike 5 miles with it on. I also still walk from the grocery store with the bag filled to the brim.

Appearance: 10/20

I've fallen back into my habit of wearing the same things every week and my hair is getting shaggy again. Other than that, I am still fabulous and my jeans still fit despite my scary turn of eating habits.

Sanity: -3/20

Tons of work to do, not a lot of time left in the semester. I will be spending a lot of time trying to make my 60 hour internship at MIT. Not to mention I have various research/group projects to consider. My crazy inconsistent sleep schedule probably isn't helping either. Saying "ffffffffffuuuuuuuu---" every morning is not the best of portents.

Dexterity: 10/20

Not bad, considering lack of sleep. I have enough presence of mind to dodge traffic with my bike or avoid falling over when the T lurches on the tracks.

Luck: 15/20

I'd have to say my luck has been pretty damn good considering I haven't been killed yet while bike commuting. There's also the fact that I've managed to trick my instructors into thinking I'm somewhat competent.

Maps Unlocked

Supersecret (ok, not really) bike route to work/school that won't get me hopelessly lost or killed. Hint: side streets and cut through MIT.

Location: Patsy's Pastry Shop Hell to the yes. Cannolis, macaroons, and my personal favorite: Greek Wedding Cookies. Setting foot through the glass doors and inhaling=this is what heaven must smell like.

Massachusetts Avenue between Central Square and Kendall Square/MIT: Another hint, a technological campus with a large Asian population will attract awesome restaurants. I found a place to get dosas along with a cute Asian food store where I got my new teacup (less than sparkling reviews on Yelp though).

Porter Square: The Honk Festival. I am so glad Arika invited me to this because it was everything I loved about band in high school without the insane band director or playing bullshit jock jams type music. Also, the Rude Mechanical Orchestra. Just listen. I don't think I can say anything else.

Location: Windsor Button: After getting off the T, I had such a hard time finding this place that I actually whipped out my new ASUS Eee to bootleg some wireless from somewhere around Boston Common and Google map it. It turns out that a bunch of construction scaffolding was obscuring its storefront. It is pretty much a craft person's heaven. I found yarn in colors I didn't even know existed and at a nice price for something like a wool/alpaca blend. They also have more buttons (naturally) than the mind can conceive without going mad.

Achievements

Bike4Dead Survival Mode: Managed to not become red asphalt under the tires of some asshole in an SUV or an absent-minded bus/cab driver.

Hermit Granny Award: Spent most of free time not studying/working knitting large projects.

Lardass Award: Ate two cannolis and three macaroons in one day. Mostly living off a diet of canned soup and quesadillas/grilled cheese sammiches.

Night Owl Award: Consistently stayed up until 2:00 a.m. or later FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER.

Procrasterbator: Playing Farmville/checking Facebook or knitting (or in this case, silly blogging) instead of doing research for my analytical paper or my Wikipedia assignment.

Cut a Fool/Shank a Bitch: Scaring the shit out of my roommates when I got pissed at the idea of someone attempting to steal my bike by breaking the banister on the first floor where it was locked to. Ok, granted, for all I know it was just accidental or repeated wear from my heavy lock and bike straining against it. Still, and I repeat, if I find out someone had tried to steal my bike, I will hunt them down and not only torture and murder them, but I will track down their family and make the thief watch as I disembowel their parents, steal their little sister's favorite dolly/teddy bear/light it on fire, and kick their dog/drown their cat. This is how attached I am to my bicycle.

So, that's pretty much it for now.

Sorry y'all. It's been awhile.

Ok, I know I've kept rather mum for the past few months. I'm at the point where I'm not even really pretending to be a writer anymore. Still, Will has a point when he told me that the question "what do you do?" really is a bullshit question, so it's just best to answer it on your own terms. He's a writer and a filmmaker, not just that snarky guy at the video store.

Sure, I identify as "office girl extraordinaire," or "wannabe writer" when asked, but in all truth, I don't know what the hell I am anymore these days.

I attempted to write a comic book script for ScriptFrenzy 2009, where the minimum requirement was 100 pages in 30 days. I got to about 60 pages and ran out of steam/interest near the end. Still, this is an idea I'd love to see other people (especially illustrators, writers, bicycle enthusiasts) pick up and help me build this wacky supernatural bicycle Portland universe.

I won't lie. The Flat Fairy is basically a snarkier, bi-racial version of me if I died and had to redeem myself by helping fix flat tires in SE Portland and earn my bicycle to ride to heaven.

Here's a couple of snippets:

Part I: The Flat Fairy


PAGE THREE

PANEL

1. Silhouette of BIKE COMMUTER going along Waterfront Park with the sunrise and Mt. Hood in the background.

2. Broken glass on pavement.

3. Other garbage strewn on empty street.

4. BIKE COMMUTER attempts to go around broken glass.

5. Closeup of tire. Blurry images in background indicate motion.

6. Almost microscopic closeup revealing tiny fragment of glass embedded in tire.


PAGE FOUR

PANEL

1. Transition "That evening." BIKE COMMUTER is making his way back home, more or less the same route as before, but with more cars on road. He's wearing a brown suit, but with a raincoat and his pant legs rolled up and bound to prevent them from snagging in his chain/gears.

2. Closeup of BIKE COMMUTER's face getting concerned look on face for a moment. He is an average bland looking white dude.

3. Look of concern gone while weaving through traffic.

4. BIKE COMMUTER weaving through pedestrians and other bikers carefully on Steel Bridge pedestrian walkway. (sfx: whumpa-whumpa-whumpa)

5. BIKE COMMUTER now on Eastbank Esplanade this time instead of Riverside Park.

6. Closeup of tire, visibly squishing against the pavement as it turns.

VOICE
You really oughtn't do that.

PAGE FIVE

PANEL

1. Dark silhouette beneath overpass by Hawthorne Bridge, clearly female in a dark trenchcoat, toting a large *something* over her shoulder. It could be an axe, it could be anything potentially dangerous.

2. BIKE COMMUTER stops his bike suddenly. (sfx: screeeee!)

3. Closeup of BIKE COMMUTER shielding face from rain, trying to peer at the figure.

BIKE COMMUTER
What? Who are you?

4. FLAT FAIRY steps out, smoking a cigarette.

FLAT FAIRY
How long you been ridin' on that?

5. BIKE COMMUTER and FLAT FAIRY face each other. He is taller than she is by at least a head.

BIKE COMMUTER
(scratching his head)
I dunno, I just noticed it a few minutes ago.

6. Front view, mid-shot of FLAT FAIRY, with eyebrow raised and what is clearly a floor pump slung over her shoulder. The floor pump is very nice, complete with pressure gauge and has both presta and schraeder adapters. She is also another mid-20s character, pick a race, any race. Then pick another and combine the two. She is not necessarily beautiful or striking, but still looks "interesting." Young, gifted and mixed indeed.

FLAT FAIRY
Uh-huh. Then why did you keep riding?

PAGE SIX

PANEL

1. BIKE COMMUTER has dismounted from his bicycle, scratching his head sheepishly. The bicycle is a nice commuter bicycle, black and complete with panniers. Faint remains of daylight visible in the sky. FLAT FAIRY stomping out cigarette with her shoe.

BIKE COMMUTER
I dunno... I figured I could make it home.

2. FLAT FAIRY places a hand on the frame of the bicycle, staring at it intently. Only her face, hand and the bike frame are in this panel.

FLAT FAIRY
Where do you live?

BIKE COMMUTER
Over on 60th.

3. FLAT FAIRY scowling. Both of her hands are gripping the frame. Her hands are rough-looking and covered in grease.

FLAT FAIRY
You're a freaking idiot.

4. The bicycle is now upside-down. The FLAT FAIRY is kneeling before it, eyes closed in reverence, like a pilgrim at an alter... or something.

BIKE COMMUTER

What? Hey, what are you doing?

5. The FLAT FAIRY has her hands in the brake release of the back tire.

6. The tire is now off of the bike, cradled on her knees. Both of her hands, now dirt-covered, are at 10:00 and 2:00 like she's driving a car.

PAGE SEVEN (or right about when things look like an instruction manual)

PANEL

1. Close-up of the tire, FLAT FAIRY's hands inserting a plastic tire lever between the rim and the tire.

2. Closeup of the tire, lever now almost all the way around one side, tire halfway off rim like a peeled orange. (sfx: vvvvppppppppt!)

3. Closeup of tire, other side half-way peeled. (sfx: vvvvppppppppt!)

4. Closeup of FLAT FAIRY peering at the tube, holding the tire at the same place.

5. FLAT FAIRY runs hand inside tire thoughtfully.

6. Closeup of "eureka!" look on FLAT FAIRY's face.

FLAT FAIRY
Bingo!

PAGE EIGHT

PANEL

1. BIKE COMMUTER is standing, leaning against the concrete wall of the overpass, looking at his watch in amazement.

BIKE COMMUTER
Holy crap, that took seconds!

2. FLAT FAIRY still on knees in front of bike tire with what appear to be a pair of tweezers.

FLAT FAIRY
That was the easy part. Now's the hard part.

3. Closeup of sweat beading on FLAT FAIRY's brow.

4. Closeup of tiny shard of glass cradled in the shiny tweezers, gleaming in the dim light.

FLAT FAIRY
Looks like we've got the culprit.

5. She puts the shard in a tiny plastic vial

6. and puts the vial in her coat pocket. (sfx: clink-clink-clink)


PAGE NINE

PANEL

1. The FLAT FAIRY attaches the tube to the floor pump.

2. She pumps it up quickly (sfx: pmfa-pmfa-pmfa-pmfa-pmfa!) to an almost cartoonish size.

3. BIKE COMMUTER is moving forward with look of shock on his face.

BIKE COMMUTER
What are you doing?

4. FLAT FAIRY has the tube in one hand next to her ear, the other one out hushing him. Intense-looking panel with frenetic looking background, maybe something stripey or swirly.

FLAT FAIRY
Hush.

5-6 in sub-panels. Closeup of tube, moving along FLAT FAIRY's ear, her eyes are closed. Last subpanel has (sfx: hsssssss) and the tube going back to a more normal size.


PAGE TEN

PANEL

1. FLAT FAIRY'S eyes open wide.

2. Another intense-looking panel series: where a hand comes out of a pocket with a patch kit.

3. (sfx: POP!) The patch kit comes open, shooting out a patch with a green heart on it and a piece of sandpaper.

4. The FLAT FAIRY seizes both in one hand.

5. The FLAT FAIRY sands the tube right over the tiny hole. (sfx: scritch-scritch-scritch)

6. Closeup of FLAT FAIRY's thumb pressing the patch down onto the tube.

FLAT FAIRY
Va-BAM!

PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL

1. BIKE COMMUTER's stares on in amazement.

2. FLAT FAIRY deflates tire a bit. (sfx: kssssssshhhh)

3. Close up of hands working a tube around the rim.

4. Close up of hands working the tire back onto the rim.

5. FLAT FAIRY fully inflates tire again (sfx: pmfa-pmfa-pmfa-pmfa!)

6. FLAT FAIRY re-attaches tire to bicycle.


PAGE TWELVE

PANEL

1. BIKE COMMUTER is on his knees, jaw agape, nose bleeding.

BIKE COMMUTER
Marry me.

2. FLAT FAIRY has eyebrow still arched, one hand grasping the floor pump like she's about to pummel him with it.

FLAT FAIRY
Heh. Well, that's definitely a first.

3. FLAT FAIRY looks sheepish, resumes sitting on feet in kneeling position.

FLAT FAIRY
Hey there, think you can settle
for giving me a hand up
instead of a hand in marriage?

4. Closeup: Their hands meet. Hers is covered in grease. His is still in its attack glove.

5. They are standing face to face again. He is grinning like an idiot schoolboy, still holding her hand. She is clearly uncomfortable. A row of sleeping bags and shopping carts can be seen beneath the overpass in the background.

FLAT FAIRY
I'm gonna want that back.

BIKE COMMUTER
What? Oh, sorry.

6. He has released her hand, which she is wiping with a grease-covered rag.

PAGE THIRTEEN

PANEL

1. FLAT FAIRY is walking away facing the reader. BIKE COMMUTER is standing in background.

BIKE COMMUTER
Wait! You never told me who you are!

2. From perspective of BIKE COMMUTER. FLAT FAIRY is walking beneath the overpass past the bike racks.

BIKE COMMUTER
But what about your bike?

3. FLAT FAIRY turns around momentarily, putting on a pair of sunglasses despite the evening cloudiness visible in the background.

FLAT FAIRY
I haven't earned it yet.

4. BIKE COMMUTER still stands there in awe, touching his rear tire.

FLAT FAIRY
(op)
You should earn yours...
Always maintain tire pressure.
Never ride on a flat, you'll
ruin your rims.

5. BIKE COMMUTER looking reverently, sunset barely visible in clouds behind him in the West Hills/view of Downtown from the East bank.

BIKE COMMUTER
(thought rectangle)
I never forgot her parting words.
(spoken)
Will I ever see you again?
Where will you go?

6. Silhouette shot of FLAT FAIRY toting her floor pump over her shoulder.

FLAT FAIRY
Wherever I'm needed.

PART V: Flat Fairy vs. the Gear-Nixies

PAGE FORTY-FIVE

PANEL

1. Back to 6 panel format in full color. FLAT FAIRY at her usual afternoon haunt, the Eastbank Esplanade beneath Hawthorne Bridge, floor pump in tow. She is wearing her usual trenchcoat, tshirt and jeans. (sfx:musical notes to indicate whistling)

2. FLAT FAIRY looking down toward river, surprised expression.

3. GEAR-NIXIE sitting on a rock with a bicycle lying on its side, looking forlorn. She is blonde with long wavy hair and eyes as green as the Willamette, but not as cloudy. She wears a white billowy shirt and green pair of pants. Basically, she looks like she is celebrating Pirate Day a bit too early. Strangely enough, she is barefoot.

GEAR-NIXIE
Please help.

4. Closeup of FLAT FAIRY'S face, characteristic eyebrow arched.

FLAT FAIRY
No.

5. GEAR-NIXIE looks clearly taken aback.

GEAR-NIXIE
What?

6. FLAT FAIRY holds her floor pump in a defense position, braced in front of her with two hands.

FLAT FAIRY
You heard me.
I said no.

PAGE FORTY-SIX

PANEL

1. GEAR-NIXIE starts weeping, face in her hands as she curls up on her rock.

GEAR-NIXIE
Please, my bicycle is broken!

2. FLAT FAIRY lighting a cigarette, one foot possessively planted over the floor pump on the ground.

FLAT FAIRY
Stop it. You ain't foolin' anyone.

3. BIKE COMMUTER from earlier pulls up with look of indignation on his face.

BIKE COMMUTER
What is going on?
This is all wrong.

4. FLAT FAIRY looking toward reader, hand cupped slightly over mouth.

FLAT FAIRY
Except him, apparently.

(cap that wraps around the panel: Is she allowed to do that? I mean, break the fourth wall. Fuck. She's got me doing that now. Damnit!)

5. BIKE COMMUTER tries to grab floor pump.

BIKE COMMUTER
Aren't you supposed to be
helping people? Give me
that thing!

6. With a deft stroke (arc of different locations of floor pump), FLAT FAIRY knocks BIKE COMMUTER to the ground with the floor pump.


PAGE FORTY-SEVEN

PANEL

1. FLAT FAIRY, cigarette still at corner of her mouth. BIKE COMMUTER breathing heavily (sfx: pant-pant-pant)

FLAT FAIRY
Yes. I help people,
but only when they
need it. Also, never
touch the pump.

2. GEAR-NIXIE reaches out in supplication, eyes heart-meltingly wide and brimming in tears.

GEAR-NIXIE
But my bicycle is broken.
Please help.

3. FLAT FAIRY scowls, cigarette between fingers on left hand and floor pump slung over shoulder.

FLAT FAIRY
Help yourself. I'm gone.

4. FLAT FAIRY walking away. BIKE COMMUTER chasing after her, trying to pull himself to his feet.

BIKE COMMUTER
Wait!

5. BIKE COMMUTER running at FLAT FAIRY'S side. (sfx: huff-huff-huff!) She is still very much annoyed. They are walking beneath Hawthorne Bridge. The GEAR-NIXIE continues waving down pedestrians.

FLAT FAIRY
What do you want?

6. A man passes the GEAR-NIXIE while jogging, headphones on and completely oblivious to her presence. (sfx: more musical notes coning from headphones)

PAGE FORTY EIGHT

PANEL

1. Two bicyclists chatting, riding side-by-side pass the FLAT FAIRY and the BIKE COMMUTER walking in the opposite direction. They are in sight of the GEAR-NIXIE.

BIKE COMMUTER
Let me get this straight,
you'll help a cute guy
in distress, but not some
poor woman? Double standard!

2. FLAT FAIRY pointing accusingly backward. The cigarette is falling out of her mouth as she yells at the BIKE COMMUTER.

FLAT FAIRY
That is not some "poor
woman." Get your facts
straight before you start
making wild accusations!

3. BIKE COMMUTER still looks angry. FLAT FAIRY still looks annoyed, but eases up a bit in her expression.

FLAT FAIRY
Besides, you ain't
even that cute.

4. BIKE COMMUTER looks over his shoulder as he walks with FLAT FAIRY.

BIKE COMMUTER
Ok then, what is she
supposed to be, if not
some "poor woman?"

FLAT FAIRY
Good question. Here's
a cookie.

5. FLAT FAIRY hands him what looks like an Odwalla/Cliff Bar.

BIKE COMMUTER
This isn't a cookie.

FLAT FAIRY
Don't argue semantics.
This was my lunch,
but I grabbed the wrong one.
I don't like raisins.

6. BIKE COMMUTER taking a bite and looking at FLAT FAIRY warily.

FLAT FAIRY
As I was saying,
she's not human.
She's a Gear-Nixie.

BIKE COMMUTER
A wha?

PAGE FORTY-NINE

PANEL

1. GEAR NIXIES playing in Willamette River at night beneath moonlight. Ruins of old bicycles poking up from the banks, rusted and covered in slime.

FLAT FAIRY
(op)
A Gear-Nixie. They
dwell in bodies of water
near bike-dense cities.

2. GEAR NIXIE looking coy on the shore by Waterfront Park. A broken bicycle sits at her feet.

FLAT FAIRY
(op)
They lure unsuspecting
good Samaritans close
to the water.

3. A smiling young man in spandex cycling gear with a bicycle of his own crouches near her bike to see what the trouble is.

FLAT FAIRY
And that's the
last anyone ever
sees of the would-be
bicycle savior.

4. Spot of water as seen from the shore of Waterfront Park. Nothing but a ripple is seen, a series of wavy concentric circles in the murky water.

5. BIKE COMMUTER stuffs the food bar wrapper in his pocket. FLAT FAIRY is tying her left shoe, firmly planted on her floor pump.

BIKE COMMUTER
You've got to be kidding me.

FLAT FAIRY
Serious as a blown out tube.
I never joke about important things.

6. Another jogger passes the forlorn GEAR-NIXIE, also wearing headphones, sunglasses and plenty of lycra.


PAGE FIFTY

PANEL

1. BIKE COMMUTER rolling up his sleeves and walking back toward shore.

BIKE COMMUTER
That has to be the most
ridiculous thing I've ever
heard. I'll take care of this...

2. FLAT FAIRY pulling out another bar from her jacket that has the words "chocolate chip" printed on it. She is not looking at BIKE COMMUTER, but at her snack with a blase expression.

FLAT FAIRY
No, don't, stop.

3. The GEAR-NIXIE is smiling up from her rock, gesturing at the broken bicycle at her feet.

4. The BIKE COMMUTER reaches down to place what looks like a fallen chain back onto the pedal gears.

BIKE COMMUTER
(thought)
Pfft. Gear-Nixies. Why
would someone call
them that anyway?

5. The hub gears spinning wildly (blurry), causing the chain to wrap itself around his wrists, cutting deep and drawing blood. The BIKE COMMUTER has a horrified look on his face.

6. FLAT FAIRY chewing thoughtfully on her food bar. Peering at carnage through her right fingers.

FLAT FAIRY
(thought)
Should I...?

PAGE FIFTY-ONE

PANEL

1. Splash panel of FLAT FAIRY walking on Esplanade sidewalk down at the lower right hand corner. She is as indifferent as ever.

FLAT FAIRY
Naw. I tried to warn him.

Behind her, the GEAR-NIXIES are in full form, with the bodies of scary looking women with rows of sharp teeth, fish-like tails with a broken bicycle attached at the end of each tail. They are splashing in the Willamette River with the BIKE COMMUTER. (sfx: graarl-splash-graaarl-splash-splash) A wall of blood-tinged water is up around where the BIKE COMMUTER was dragged.

BIKE COMMUTER

Oh God! I can see
my pancreas!

New Ink

There's always been something about the buzz of a tattoo needle that comforts me. After a few times of listening to this sound next door at Scapegoat while having ginger beers at Food Fight, I decided that my birthday present to myself this year would be new ink.

To commemorate about a year of bike commuting and loving Portland, I decided to get the bike route symbol done above my right ankle where I roll up my jeans every morning. The bike route symbols are pretty ubiquitous here. I know that no matter how dark/lost/drunk I am, if I just keep seeing these, I will eventually end up home (or at the Potato Champion, which is close enough). So, no matter how far from Portland I could go, I'll always have a little piece of it to guide me back home. It also reminds me of Biketember and all the crazy bike-related adventures from Allen Hall back at U of I.

I originally wanted it in forest green, but Dylan talked me into black ink because it ages better and doesn't fade.

It smelled clean and of soap when I walked in yesterday to make my appointment. They use Doc Bronner's soap there and try to minimize the amount of waste they throw out by using medically laundered linens. All inks are Vegan (most are anyway, but apparently some use bonemeal).

I was in and out pretty quickly when I got it done at 2:30 today. It was warm, sunny and the door was open to let the fresh air in. The longest I had to wait was for them to clean up the last person and to set up for me. I stood on a chair with my jean leg rolled up as Dylan ran a single blade disposable razor and prepped my leg with alcohol. The razor made a quiet scraping sound as it slid dry against the top dead layer of skin cells, taking whatever hair I never bothered to shave that also never really bothered to grow in the first place. Before any needling was even done, I felt the cool sting of the alcohol rub into my ankle. After a test stencil was put on, I decided I wanted it slightly bigger than it had been, so another stencil was printed and I was good to go.

I read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell again as Dylan ran the machine. My foot involuntarily twitched, and I apologized and said I'd try to stop, but he just said it just came with the territory and that the area he was tattooing was not moving so it was ok. I guess it's like when you're at the doctor and they hit your kneecap with the hammer thingy that makes your leg kick. I had gone in barefoot/flip flops to make things easier, but I've always been a bit self-conscious about my feet. I think even though it was warm out, they were probably cold to the touch from my weird circulation thing where even though the rest of me is okay temperature-wise, my hands and feet feel corpse-like.

I had barely finished three chapters when it was done. I got the usual after-care instructions. Leave the bandage on for four hours, clean it twice a day. Use plain lotion after a couple of days.

And it goes without saying, I shouldn't allow this (NSFW).

It's about time I can take the bandage off... so pictures:




Ok, it's a bit red and gross looking right now (honest, I don't actually have cellulite. the wrinkling is from the surgical tape and sterile bandages), but I think it looks awesome and will look better once it heals.

My parents are sooo gonna kill me...