So close, and yet so far.

The past night and day seem to have been a torrent of emotion for me. It's weird, but I really thought I would have grown out of my petty stage. I recently found out that yet another one of my casual arrangements has settled down with a significant other. I don't have feelings for him or anything, but it just made me wonder what's so horribly wrong with me that I can't seem to meet anyone I'd want to stick around for not only the night/next morning, but long enough for meetings afterward - basically someone nice, decent, what have you.

When I asked my co-worker Kerri, she just told me, maybe the girl he's with isn't so nice and had to settle for him (since he's what I describe to people as "picture a 'nice Jewish boy,' now picture the exact opposite"). Like me, it seems like everyone she knows is pairing off too. Being the seventh wheel at prom in high school was just simply annoying. Now it's just kind of pathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I love being single/alone in general. Having a bed to myself where I can stretch, toss and turn (sometimes even drool and fart on occasion) without having to worry about someone next to me is awesome. I like not having to work my schedule around someone else or dealing with petty arguments which end up destroying what was once a good friendship over time. Besides, I'm in a situation a lot like Jake's where I really need to take care of a lot more important things (finding an apartment/job and eventually saving and/or destroying the world) before I can even think about something as trifling as picking a life/3-month partner.

Kerri also said to me that there's a bit of an intimidation factor when it comes to me as well, what with the graduating with a four year degree in just three years and knowing what I want out of life when everyone else is as good as moving back into their parent's basements for awhile. Granted, I never really thought any of that was impressive. I'm also still very uncertain about what I want from life for the long haul, but right now, I just think I'd be happier in Portland.

I remember the application adviser at the Western Culinary Institute telling me that I was "brave" for making the move all the way out there. At the same time, I remember Ben warning me against "running away from myself."

I want to believe that the fact that I'm making a change my life, for good or ill, will make me happy. Tonight though, I started to have doubts, but then I came to the conclusion that things will be cool.

Where it started: I love my co-workers. We banter, poke fun at each other, but in the end, we all commiserate about our situation. I mean, we work at a college textbook store. Sometimes we go out for the occasional beers and pool. Tonight some of us went to see "Knocked Up" (which I would recommend as being oddly good) and went book-shopping. I mean, how often do people who know each other from work (especially at a bookstore) just go to a bookstore and browse...especially since we spent a good amount of time in a bookstore previously.

I always feel a bit bad about getting rides from people for some reason. In high school, it wasn't bad because I believed in underclassmen/upperclassmen karma: basically, as a freshman, you catch rides with upperclassmen friends with cars and when you get your car and license, you give your underclassmen friends rides to football games/movies/parties/etc. Now that I probably won't be able to afford a car or will most likely live in a place where it won't be conducive to own a car, the karma cycle sort of stops, gets backed up on my end.

Of course, this isn't fair. I'm always surprised at how awesomely nice my co-workers are. I mean, they're just genuinely nice people, and I'm just really not used to that sort of thing. At the same time, building this sort of "family" and relying on them sort of reminds me of the tension in my own family and why I'm leaving in the first place. Still, with how close I've gotten with these new friends, I actually think I'll be sad to go. I even said that tonight. Out loud.

Which brings me back to the first bit about the dating/being single conundrum. I figure I'll always be ok being single as long as I have good friends like Liz and Jenna, my co-workers. But without them around next year, things will be a bit more difficult. I mean, how do you meet people after college? I felt isolated this year, and I was still technically on campus.

I guess it just does take time. I've worked at the bookstore for a year and now I'm at the point where I can talk about anything with them (and I mean everything, for example: complaining about above-mentioned jackass for being a complete conceited prat and waving about his relationship in my face).

I don't know. I'm just rambling on this silly blog when I should be packing and getting ready to leave for Sunday. I'm in a peculiarly light mood now despite the rather bleak spell I had this morning where I just had to run off and be alone for awhile (which no one really notices since a lot of what I do for my job is a one-person job most of the time anyway).

Besides, what's not to be happy about? I'm going to Portland next week. There's a blues festival, all manner of amazing restaurants, gardens to stroll in, shops to blow my hard-earned bookstore money on (especially Powell's...is it weird that I'm going to go to a giant bookstore on my holiday when I work in a bookstore?). Oh yeah, I guess I'll squeeze in looking for a job and an apartment somewhere in there.