Ah, Sweet Complacency

I may be young, but I'm damn obnoxious, so that has to count for something.

My general policy of complacence and anti-social disorder hasn't made me any friends or helped me keep whatever few ones I thought I have, but I figured I'd take this evening to muse on a few things as opposed to getting shit-faced with my friends like I did last year (I think I may have finally outgrown that).

By no means do I claim that any of the following list is an accurate portrait of the world population. I'm just saying that out of the few people I've encountered, I've noticed rather similar patterns. I've noticed that there are generally three types of people (at least on this campus in my various "circles" of acquaintances). Also, by no means do I mean that all people who fit in these categories are entirely the same, nor am I claiming that everyone I'm grouping acts this way all the time...just enough of the time to warrant categorization. All I'm pointing out is a broad sweeping generalization while slightly inebriated.

1) "I try too hard and want everyone to like me." This describes my ex-boyfriend Chris and my older brother Moses. These are the people who feel like they have to be everything to everybody. They don't like hurting people's feelings, or more accurately, making themselves look bad, often at the expense of the truth in Chris's case. Chris's two favorite catch phrases are "just one more take, I promise" and "I don't want to hurt you so I'll leave out rather important bits of information concerning other women I'm seeing." Ok, I've never actually heard Chris saying it, but it does make for a rather accurate paraphrase.

Moses is a bit different since he's actually successful in his many endeavors, at least career/education/art-wise. He's the sort of person who will go out and try everything and do quite well in the process (what with the full-ride grad school, potential record deal, crowds of fangirls, etc.). He doesn't waste time moping about what he's going to do, but at the same time, he still falls under the category of "trying too hard" at least where women are concerned, being a gentleman/borderline doormat in relationships and failing to make a move out of the worry of "ruining a friendship" or "being taken the wrong way." See also: AJ, the guy who wants to be everyone's best friend.

2) "I don't really give a shit what other people think." These people seem to get it. For some reason, I lumped my roommate Jenna and Paul in this group despite how radically different their personalities are. These people don't have what Jenna refers to as "angst." They simply don't bother wasting time on it. My roommate Jenna doesn't drink and doesn't feel particularly pressured to, but at the same time, doesn't lecture people about how "bad" it is unlike other people I've met who claim that they don't care what other people think, but seem to do things to provoke them anyway. She also doesn't bother dating or showing interest in the opposite/same/whatever sex. In contrast, Paul drinks, smokes, engages in unprotected sex, etc. For awhile, I was tempted to categorize Paul as one of those guys who puts up this sort of front (you know, "asshole for the sake of being an asshole," but unlike myself, he's moved on. He got how temporary this whole college thing was. Even after an existential crisis or two, he seems relatively unscathed.

...and then there's me: #3) Anyone who knows me is probably rolling their eyes at me thinking "Jeez, you always have to make yourself the odd one out. Why can't you just accept that you're like everyone else?" I'm the sort of person who does care what others think, but doesn't really do much to change when it's stuff that matters. Paul, et al. gave me the rather obvious advice of "if you don't like how things are, why don't you change them?"

I think I'm the sort of person who "doesn't get it." Whenever anyone tells me about all the supposedly amazing things I'm capable of doing, I start to wonder if we're thinking about the same person. My parents, my professors, and my friends seem to think that I'm something...just something. Either that, or they tell me these things in the hopes I'll feel better and pull myself out of my rut on my own.

It all comes back to the question Mike/Honk raised once about how if we're all supposedly "the best and brightest" what do we do once we figure out that we're not? Resign ourselves to entry level jobs and hopefully working up to middle management? I know people can make a good living and be happy where they are. I feel like the female protagonist in either a D.H. Lawrence, Kate Chopin, or some other "bored housewife" trope with this rather unfulfilling malaise. I know this isn't new territory for me, but I figured writing about it was better than talking.

And speaking of Mike/Honk, I think that may be the only thing we have in common. We're just floaters, maybe like Bartleby the Scrivener wanting something "different" but never really quite getting there since we're too lazy/complacent to look for it. At least Honk seems to be getting past that now. As for me...feh.

Maybe I don't want something "better" per se, just something different. Some people fall in love. Other people live in their work like my mom does. Others devote themselves to seemingly hopeless causes, just to feel like their existence has meaning.

The funny thing was, for the most part, I used to be ok with knowing that my existence was meaningless. Heh. Maybe I'm growing up after all.