To the Person Whose Phone Number is Now My Land Line

Hey,

I know, as a college student with no money and a little-appreciated and low-paying job (Seriously, I work at the textbook store...even I hate it when I won't give someone any money for their beer-damaged, out-of-date textbook that they most likely stole from under their roommate's mattress so they could get more money with which to buy more beer to spill/vomit on their roommate's textbooks.), it's easy to get into serious debt from credit cards. They're made of shiny plastic and fit in your wallet better than a huge ass wad of cash...not that I've ever seen a huge ass wad of cash, but it's not bloody likely that you have either. Perhaps since it's so small, you don't feel like you're spending as much money as you are. In that case, I suggest that you start carrying around cash and paying for things in cash, preferrably in the smallest denominations as possible so it feels like you have more money than you actually do. However, if you should attempt to buy books at the place I work paying only in pennies, I shall be forced to shove said beer-soaked textbooks through your "exit only" door.

Anyway, that's the problem. As much as I relate to your financial misfortune, I tire of your creditors leaving a bajillion (it's such a ridiculously high number that I had to call Merriam Webster to add it into the dictionary) messages on my answering machine, not to mention calling me when I'm either a) eating dinner, b) having sex, or c) eating dinner while having sex. It seems that no matter how hard I try to explain that I am not the person whom they are looking for nor does anybody of that name even live with me, they still call back. I just hope that I didn't manage to tranfer your massive amount of debt to my name when I signed up for this phone line. I know I just spent $120 on pants this weekend...but they fit so well!

But that's beside the point. I'm doing fine racking up my own obscenely exorbitant amount of debt all by myself. I don't need to be reminded of that by those who are trying to get you to pay off yours.

And another thing, for some reason, I keep getting calls from so-called charity pledge drives. They've never mentioned your name, but I certainly hope that you have nothing to do with this. I know that charity begins at home, but did you perhaps think for a moment that all your donations to the Police Officer's Guild #97 and what-have-you could be a potential cause for all of your financial problems?

At any rate, for my sake (and the sake of the guy I'm currently boning), please pay off your shit. I'm tired of my afternoon quickie being interrupted by hearing an unsettling mechanical voice booming from my answering machine or cordless phone receiver. Because of this whole debacle, I'm about ready to scrap the land line and finally cave in and get a cell phone (I already have the cell, but am debating on eliminating the land line). Undoubtably, said cell phone rates will plunge me into debt as well.

Sincerely,
The person who currently has your old phone number